Everyone wants what you want

Everyone wants the same thing. Now this obviously isn’t true in the literal sense, but in any domain there are outcomes that are universally held up as goals that most people would like to achieve. Most students would like to graduate with the highest honours available; most runners want to win races and set massive PBs; a lot of 20-30-year-olds dream about buying a house and being in a stable relationship.

The point I’m making here is that when you ask people what success means to them, in groups of people with similar backgrounds and context, they will often label the same metrics. The question is, though, if everyone wants similar goals, then why do only so few actually achieve remarkable outcomes? It seems that ambitious goal setting is not enough, which is what I want to discuss today.

I’m going to make some generalisations about what people want for the sake of simplicity, but as you read what I’m saying, I want you to keep in mind the people around you in your own lives and what common goals you all tend to share—this will help make the point more relevant to you.

Let's take an example of an average university graduate (again, a lot of generalisations here, but I want you to bear with me for the sake of argument). They likely have some ideas of things they want to achieve in their lives. They might have a dream occupation or company they want to work for (maybe make their own business one day). They probably have some flashy objects they might want to own one day (cars, watches, clothes, computers, etc.). They probably want to own a house, have a partner that loves them, be in shape and healthy, and have a few countries or trips in mind that they want to tick off. They might have some goals for their hobbies, metrics they want to hit, dreams they have. Maybe they want a family or a place in the world they really want to move to. They, if they are being really honest, might have dreams that are totally outside of what they are doing/what they studied.

Like I said, everyone is different, but what I’ve described is so vague that it likely applies to everyone in some ways. Most people want some version of these things and are chasing some level of accomplishment. Most people playing the same games have the same goals.

What I’m going to say next might be uncomfortable, but again, I want you to bear with me.

How many people do you know who are truly satisfied in life? How many people do you know who are confidently on the path to achieving (or maybe already have) these dreams they have? On the flip side, how many people do you know who have, in some way, compromised their vision and given up the pursuit? How many people do you know who live lives where they neglect their dreams and instead choose comfort, likely out of fear of failure?

It’s my personal belief that you can feel this energy in people. There are those who are so connected to their internal purpose that they are able to systematically follow a vision they have set out for themselves while having fun being on that journey and taking others along with them. These people radiate confidence and self-assuredness, and it's likely you’ve met a few in your time. These two groups of people share the same visions and goals, but only one (which constitutes a small minority of people) is able to actually make them happen, whilst the other settles with some degree of mediocrity.

So what separates them? Clearly, if being ambitious and setting goals was enough, everyone would have what they want, but given this isn’t the case, then it's clear that there is more to the story. What is becoming evident to me is that those who are able to actually reach into the unknown and create the lives they want to live exhibit some specific qualities that others do not. This is what I want to outline and discuss.

First, is an ability to identify the common actions and traits people have and reject them when necessary. A quote I quite like is “If you’ve always done what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” This is true for yourself; if you keep repeating the same actions, you are guaranteed the same results. But if you expand your vision, you’ll see that this must also hold at a population level. See, if most people are mildly disappointed in their position in life, then it's likely that the common behaviours most people exhibit are going to produce the same outcome if you follow them.

For instance, it is common for most people to have a very low tolerance for the amount of meaningful work they can complete in a given day. I want to be clear here: when I say meaningful work, I do not just mean your job. I mean every action that creates meaningful progress towards the goals you’ve set in your life. This could include working out, spending important time with friends, career work, setting up businesses, developing hobbies, etc.

How much time do you think the given person wastes? I’m not trying to assign judgement here or pretend I’m any better; my point is that if you want to achieve the goals that most people don’t, you need to do things that most people don’t. Therefore, one way to start is to simply try to live your life more intentionally and waste less time. Knowing every day is important, and trying to maximise the amount of time you spend on your own aims is one way to try and get more of your goals ticked off. Life is precious, and time wasting should be limited (a side note: I’m a big believer that time spent with loved ones or partaking in meaningful hobbies is not wasted, but you must be the judge of when what you are doing is meaningless).

Another trait most people share is a fear of failure. How many people do you know who want to start something, who want to try and achieve a goal? Maybe they want to make a YouTube channel, maybe they want to do a marathon, maybe they want a career change, but they never follow through. The truth is these things are scary, and you could mess up. You could lose time, you could lose money, you could get embarrassed publicly. Most people have a very low risk tolerance.

My point here is to not make bad decisions intentionally, but often those who get what they want and achieve the goals we all strive for are people with marginally increased risk tolerances. They are more likely to talk to someone they don’t know; they are more likely to peruse a business or career that might not work out simply because they need to know; they are more likely to express their opinions and put themselves out there. It’s not that these things are easy, but they are different from what most people do, and different actions lead to different results (it might be worse, but it could be better). That's why it's calculated risk-taking.

Finally, a big mistake most people make is feeding each other with bad information and negativity. How often has someone with no experience in a given topic given you advice in what you are doing in your own life? The truth is, you must be ruthless with whose input you accept and whose you reject, because it's easy to let negativity and poor judgement seep in, even when it's from people who you might otherwise love. Unfortunately, some people simply don’t want to see you doing better than them, and you must be careful to not take advice from these folk. Even more so, why would you listen to people who aren't aligned with your direction and aren’t either already in possession of or on the path to possessing the outcomes you seek for yourself? It can feel harsh, but you must be careful who you listen to. Trust your judgement on these matters; it's usually right.

Ultimately, one wants to always make sure you are doing something different from the status quo is to embrace what makes you different from others. What traits do you possess that you like about yourself that you don’t seem to come across in others very often? This is your point of difference, and it's likely that this marks your advantage in finding a unique way to reach your goals that others can’t leverage in your own way. This is often very hard, because being different from others can get you in trouble and make you feel lonely. It will feel easier to dull these parts about yourself down because it helps you fit in with others, but know that if you hide your gifts from the world, you are likely robbing it of what no one else can offer, so you might as well make the most of what you were given. Everyone has their own gifts, so don’t feel selfish in using your own.

There is also something to be said about wanting the same things most people want in the first place.

It’s a big question and likely more complicated than it gets credit for. If you said you wanted a house, I’d ask why. Is it that you want security? Do you want a family? Do you want to live in the place you bought for the rest of your life? Is it just a financial investment? I’m not making a case for or against; I think these are all valid reasons. What I think is important is knowing the why for your goals. Stuff's going to get hard, which is okay if you are doing things that you think are important in the first place. But doing something hard (working a difficult job, making a business, paying a mortgage) is really, really hard if you are only doing it because you thought you always had to or because someone told you it was a good idea. Perhaps the worst herd mentality trait is not examining your life and answering for yourself what you want out of it. Define your why, figure out your goals (it's a moving target; repeat as many times as necessary), and then examine the way most people go about trying to achieve them. Then, think long and hard about if this is the right way, and if you are ready to take some risks, do something different. It’s probably more likely to work.